Reflecting...

I finally feel like we are returning to a more "regular" life. It's been almost 2 months since Andrew's 2nd surgery to remove the cancer from his knee. At this point his latest bone scan was clear and they will do another MRI in November. It may sound weird, but I often catch myself forgetting that our little guy had cancer. I watch him run around at school, on the soccer field, and in the neighborhood and he's just like everyone else (with a colorful wrap on his knee). I will never be able to forget so many of the moments we went through this past summer, but I feel like my heart has a peace in it. I feel blessed by the peace that God has given me to not worry. I am usually a worry wart, but for some reason I haven't worried too much about Andrew's cancer situation returning. I know what a fighter he is and how strong he was through everything. I feel so blessed to watch our little guy do things that we weren't sure he would be doing so soon. I keep wanting to sit down and journal about our experience and I have cards written out (in my head) to each of our kids about the role they played through Andrew's cancer journey. I am finally getting some of my thoughts out...and mainly for myself. I want to be able to look back and remember the blessings, the lessons learned, the thoughts Andy and I thought, and the things that were the most helpful to us. My journal will probably come in waves, but one day I will piece it all together and it will find it's place in our 2010 Family Blog book.
As a mom hearing that my son had cancer was the most difficult news that I had ever encountered. My reaction was never what I thought it would be though. I would always find myself crying over other people's situations with cancer, but I was surprisingly composed with our situation. Andy was more emotional at the beginning and spent so much time one his knees in our bedroom praying. He was a lot stronger at the end of the process than I was....and for that I am thankful because we really were able to help each other out during our difficult days. I had my moments of tears and fears, but I feel like I had to put on my "mommy hard hat." I had to stay on top of the many phone calls, appointments, information, and whatever else needed to be done. Many days it was like I was running a business, only I never wanted to stop working because it was for my son. There were many days where I would just want to have a regular summer day of swimming, playdates, and sunshine, but the phone calls and appointments would take over. Again, God gave me such a peace. Although I longed for a more normal day, I never found myself jealous of others who were enjoying their summer vacation. This was a HUGE praise because I didn't ever want to find myself falling into the jealousy trap. Our family, friends, lifegroup, and church were more than amazing. I honestly do not think a day went by that someone didn't stop by with a meal, care basket, groceries, or giftcards. We were flooded with emails (also something I need to go back and print off), prayers, cards, and phone calls. When grams passed away the week after we found out about Andrew's cancer I jokingly said that our friends were going to become to overwhelmed with all of the VandenAkker's Life Happenings. They of course didn't and even rallied around us more. I feel like I never had the chance to get down and depressed because of the constant blessings from those around us. Just within the past month I have really had the chance to process Andrew's cancer journey and grams passing. There was so much going on at one time that I didn't have a chance to think about it until now. I know there is good and bad about such a situation. I miss grams so much and it is finally sinking in that she is gone.... and it feels so weird. At her service a lady told me that when she heard the story about Andrew she immediately thought that grandma "went" in his place. That statement she shared has been such a comfort to me. I know that I, and a lot of our family have the strength we do because of grams. She was amazing and I know she was with us through all of Andrew's surgery and recovery. My little guy gets his spunk, stubborness, and determination from that lady. So, as I finally have the chance to process our life this summer....I feel blessed beyond measure, despite the hard times we went through.
My ANDREW....You are one amazing boy. You battled your cancer like a pro. When I think back on everything you went through (needles, surgeries, doctors, hospitals, scans, wounds that are still healing, and pain) I can't help but be so PROUD of you. You go to the doctor's so well now, no complaints...you always talk about what you like about each office. It doesn't even phase you. Things that most kids think are a big deal are really nothing to you anymore. A scraped knee is no big deal compared to your scar on the side of your knee. This journey made you "tough" and I hope that stays with you always.....you didn't allow some surgeries to slow you down. You were truly a champ through it all. I honestly can only think of a handful of days where it was a challenge to care for you. Right after surgery we had some difficult days, but daddy and I knew that you were in pain and frustrated, so you had all the reason in the world to be grumpy and difficult. Those days passed so quickly though and before I knew it you were up and moving and running on your leg splint. I quickly learned you just wanted some quiet time alone with mommy to get your confidence up to walk and move. Over time you have made huge strides in looking at your knee, touching it, and helping care for it. I think you are almost ready to leave it uncovered a bit of the day. Again, this is something that has made you so strong and you have shown so much character with. I can't imagine the feelings you felt when you saw that your leg didn't look like it used it, but you have gotten over that and are moving on with a good attitude. Probably my favorite part about your cancer journey was seeing you get cards in the mail, people stopping by, and friends bringing you special gifts. You were one spoiled kid, but I loved it. It showed so much about who "YOU" are. Teachers and friends love you and truly care about you. That reminded me over and over again what a special boy you are in our family and also when you are at school or with friends. We have recently been going to a child psychologist to talk about your journey and you have made me so proud. You go in and talk with Dr. Philip, talk about how you are feeling, and show us that you are truly fine. We were even told by the doctor that it really isn't necessary for us to come anymore because you are doing so great and there isn't much to talk about. I love that you are handling it all so well. Just recently you have told a couple strangers who have asked about your knee that you had cancer in it. They usually aren't sure how to respond to a 6 year old who is telling them this so calmly, but to you it's just how it is and I am glad to see that you are not embarrassed by it. I absolutely love watching you run around on the soccer field. You have a little limp, but you run so hard and give it all you have. We didn't even know if you were going to be able to play this year and so far you have played every game and been out there giving it your BEST!! I am SO PROUD of you Andrew and you have taught your mommy many lessons through this journey!
LOVE YOU..
My LUKE....greatest "little brother" there is!! Luke, you handled Andrew's cancer journey so well. As a 4 year old I'm sure you were wondering why we spent half of our life at the doctors. We took you to some appointments, but others you had to stay home with Allie and grandma. Your tender heart was so evident in the pictures you would color us while we were gone or the stuffed animal you would pick out for your brother. When TT and grandma delivered the "team Andrew" bracelets, you were so excited to pass them out to your friends. When I was in the hospital with Andrew I loved hearing about what a good boy you were being and how you were taking care of your sister. You really did make mommy feel so much better, because I know my boy truly loves and cares for his sister. I know it's not easy for you to stay with other people and you much prefer to just be with daddy or mommy, but I appreciated how many times you didn't make a big deal about having to stay at home without us. You were so encouraging to Andrew and you did a great job at giving him space. I love, love, love that generous heart of yours. You always give up things for others (mainly your brother or sister), but in a time like we had this summer with Andrew I thought you might have become jealous of the attention your brother was getting, but you didn't, you still always GAVE to him or to Allie. LOVE YOU Lukey James....you are the BEST brother!!
My Allie girl....you won't even remember this journey because you are only 2. You were a wonderful 2 year old for daddy and mommy this summer when Andrew was sick. You loved on Andrew and always talked about his "owie knee." Whenever anyone goes to the doctor now, you say it's for an "owie knee." You were a great distraction for mommy. When I was home you kept me busy and my heart full of JOY!! You didn't really understand what was going on, so you had no reason to be sad or upset. I loved when you came to visit Andrew in the hospital. You gave me so many running hugs. You would count, "one, two, one," and then run and jump in my arms. I remember just wanting that moment to last forever because you made mommy so happy. It had been a very tiring day with Andrew's surgery and that was just what I needed in that hospital room. Allie...you were a little SUNSHINE during Andrew's cancer journey and you brought smiles to our faces and laughter to our hearts, when we were feeling scared and sad. LOVE YOU Als!!
...well, an hour and a half later I got out a lot of my thoughts. They just kept coming, so I just kept typing. As these weeks go on I know I will have more thoughts on this journey, but for now it's off to bed...